Why I Turned Down My Next Publishing Contract.

Six weeks ago, I never would have imagined writing those words. I’ve written two YA novels with my dream publisher for a dream book deal! What could possibly make me want off this train?

When I got a two-book deal for Silent Sister in 2022, I wasn’t sure where my future in publishing would take me, but I was excited for the ride. And what a ride it has been!

I have learned SO much—about publishing and about myself.

I started writing as a hobby that brought me joy on the one day a week I didn’t touch grading (‘m a teacher). Writing made me excited to wake up and get on my laptop. I wrote in the morning, afternoon, and evening on that one day. During school breaks, I wrote every day for 6+ hours and enjoyed it!

I’d heard, though, that once you turned a hobby into a job, it could lose it’s thrill. It became work. Still, when I was working on Silent Sister, writing was fun and didn’t feel like an extra job as I learned about publishing and each stage of the process…but somewhere in the middle of Gaslit, it did.

Everyone told me writing the second book was hard. You wonder if you can do it again, if you can meet readers’ expectations or “fix” the things people didn’t like about the first book. I thought I was prepared for this—after all, I wrote the first draft in only nineteen days! But then revisions hit. For over a year and a half, I revised that book. It’s almost unrecognizable from the first draft.

From the start of my writing journey in 2017 to 2023, every time a book was with critique partners, my agent, or my editor, I started working on my next book. Time is valuable and I never wanted to waste any of it. However, after my first revision of Gaslit, after months of mentally warring if I was making the best narrative decisions, I gave myself a rest.

I read. I brainstormed. But I didn’t draft.

Then the next round came and the next break, and again I rested. And again and again and again until I came to the time while I was facing my option clause.

In most traditional publishing contracts, there is an option clause that says your current publisher gets to look at your next book first and decide if they want it. I submitted my first proposal (detailed outline) in April and hoped to hear back by the end of May so I could use the summer to draft.

I had it all planned out. I would brainstorm every remaining facet of the story in June and have another fast draft done in July. Perfect timing.

Except I ended up turning in a second outline at the end of May instead, and then I wasn’t sure which my publisher would want. So I brainstormed both. One day on this book, the next on the other. I wrote about 10k words of each and got stuck. And by then, another month had passed.

And at the end of June, I started to get these weird feelings—and they weren’t coincidence. I was at a big dinner and someone spoke about a major decision he made a few years ago that meant going against his trusted mentors’ advice because he was feeling pulled. I felt a little zing when he said that.

Then a few days later my husband and I were getting coffee with two other couples and one guy mentioned how much he likes to plan and have things mapped out months to a year in advance, but he has to be careful, because sometimes that means he’s not open to other experiences. Zing.

I took to my journal. I fasted. I prayed. I got my answer. The plans I had in my head—plans to sign another contract and have the next 2-4 years of my publishing life solidified—were not the ones I was meant to follow.

So when the offer came in, I felt total peace about saying no, and my incredible agent was fully supportive.

I need to rediscover my spark for writing. I need to have fun again. I need to write without a deadline or the pressure I put on myself to fit a publisher’s brand or vision.

I’m sure many people will read this and think I am out of my mind for turning down guaranteed money with such an incredible publisher. In truth, I hope they are still interested in my book after I’m done writing it because I’ve had such an amazing experience these past three years.

Some people might suspect Silent Sister hasn’t been selling well enough and my publisher didn’t want another book from me, or that I’m too arrogant and turned my nose up at the money. But I know the truth, and it’s enough for me. I’m sharing this journey because there might be other writers out there who have the chance to walk away when they want to, and not have to stay because the need to.

I never got into writing for the money, and it’s not enough to keep me. I love the challenge of writing and I love writing books that real teens love to read. I love helping readers feel seen and reassured that they aren’t alone. I love making people gasp and cry. I love the thrill of getting pieces to click together so tightly I surprise even myself.

I never thought I would be one to need rest and rediscover the art of writing. I’m good at pushing through and getting work done. I love the rush of achieving the next item on my to-do list, so this stage feels very uncomfortable to me.

Naively, I also thought as soon as we officially turned the offer down, the words would flow like a magical river.

Wrong!

I’ve been just as stuck as before. Maybe even moreso. Despite that, I feel no regret. I have total peace about my decision. I know it was the right one for me at this time, and I’m genuinely excited to see where the future takes me. It’s not on my timeline. It’s not anywhere I can predict, but I know I’m headed in the right direction.

You haven’t seen the last of my name on bookshelves yet.